


Shattered

by pinkheichou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Complicated Relationships, Desperate Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Eren is cryptic, Levi doesn't want to give up on Eren, Love, M/M, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, so many complicated feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 16:53:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16245866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkheichou/pseuds/pinkheichou
Summary: Levi and Hanji have a little dispute about Eren because Levi can't let go of him.





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KaikaKaze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaikaKaze/gifts).



> Angst... Feels... Not really a happy ending... Enjoy. :')

“Why are you like this?”

Levi wished he hadn’t heard this coming from them just now. Not only didn’t he have the will to converse with them right now, he also didn’t want to have to explain himself. Himself  _and his feelings_.

So, agitated, he slowly turned around, brows crunched with crudeness. “How can you ask that, Hanji? You should know me better.”

Hanji was silent at first, scrutinising Levi with a cold and hard stare. They didn’t flinch a finger, every fiber of their being was a freeze frame while they interrogated Levi about his rather private life. “To be honest, I’m not sure whether I really do know you anymore. Why aren’t you more rigid against Eren? Why are you letting his actions pass easier than you should do as a Captain?”

“Because I’ve been in a relationship with him for almost 3 years now, Hanji.” Levi pushed through gritted teeth, as though he had to explain the multiplication table to a grade school kid. “I can’t just throw my feelings for him away. If I were to be able to do that, it would mean that I never loved him wholeheartedly.”

Hanji’s gaze remained stern. Same with their voice. “I can’t understand that.”

“I’m pretty sure of that, too. You have never been in a situation like me before, have you?” Levi stood up, his cup in one hand, refilling it with tea and roaming to the window then. This way, he could be the farthest away from Hanji and disdainfully show them his back in addition.

“The way you’re acting makes everything complicated. Look. Eren has infiltrated Marley and killed an equivalent to a  _whole village_.”

“I know that.” Levi breathed in deeply, bottom lip quivering in irritation. “I know that, Hanji. And you know what? You know what I had to go through? What had ghosted inside me ever since Eren’s attack before I could become the person I am right now?” Silence spread between them because Hanji didn’t answer. Because they knew that Levi had just used a rhetorical question. So they waited, even if with bitterness. “First it was shock. Then denial. Then disappointment. Then acceptance.”

“ _Acceptance_?” Hanji rose from their seat, arms flailing to the side. “What do you mean by that?!”

“I mean that I  _accepted_  that Eren had really done all these things. But I don’t approve of them.”

Hanji sighed, a pained expression bulging their face. “This is all such bullcrap! As if it was an ‘everyone against me’ situation.” they whined.

“I’m not against you.”

“But you aren’t against Eren either! At this point you don’t have a neutral view on everything anymore anyway!”

“Oi.” Highly offended, Levi turned around without having touched his tea once, glaring at the other. “It may be that I don’t think about Eren the same way you do and it may be that we’re closer to each other than Captain and subordinate. But that doesn’t mean that I oppose the punishment that you think he needs. Or do you think the kick in that flying ship was staged like in the court room back then?”

Hanji’s shoulders sagged. They sat back down. “You don’t support his actions. But you also love him.”

“Exactly.”

Hanji huffed cynically. “You’re even more complicated than Armin and Mikasa together.”

One of Levi’s fingers traced the rim of his cup. Eyes fixating an invisible spot on the table, he said, “He’s still my boyfriend. We haven’t broken up.”

Now surely wasn’t the best timing to reminisce about memories that Levi had been blessed to share with Eren, a guy he never thought he’d go into such an intimate relationship with, but in the end they did and Levi had never felt more alive than he did with Eren. Their first embrace, their first kiss, their first love-making. Everything had seemed so perfect back then.

But this wasn’t the first and not the last time that Levi would once more come to the realisation that reality was always an ugly cruelty hidden behind a white mask of purity.

He did notice Eren changing subtly, and now he scolded himself for not having wondered more about that. He could have asked Eren what was wrong with him.  _What was bothering him._

And when Eren left from one day to the other, having left no more than a letter with a few half-hearted words behind for him, Levi began to tell himself that the world he had created together with Eren was crumbling. Unobstrusively at first and then shattering like the fall of Wall Maria.

Eren had disappeared and Levi didn’t know why.

Levi had felt pathetic, had made reproaches at himself, sometimes had cursed Eren with cusses in the middle of the night because he couldn’t accept that – in the end – Eren hadn’t been as transparent to Levi as he had thought he would be.

In the end, Levi had known nothing about his boyfriend!

And when they finally met again, in that ship poising in the air, all emotions appeared to have accumulated in Levi’s leg which then had had an unfortunate collision with Eren’s face.

Levi cut off the memories with a headshake and a low growl tingling the inner of his throat. And Hanji had chimed in again.

“You love him that much?”

“Yes.” In that single word laid the finality—that Hanji shouldn’t question that answer of his any more.

“And what now?” Hanji lamented, arising that problem more to themselves than to Levi.

“I don’t know what you wanna do now, but I’m going to visit Eren.” Levi set his cup down and made a smooth leave, his peripheral vision did register the little detail of Hanji waving off their hands to signal that they feebly allowed him the visit to Eren’s cell, but – honestly – even without their consent, Levi would have done it and made the same swift leave.

~~

Oddly, every time Levi visited him, he didn’t say much. Most of the time his short and snappish sentences contained everything Levi felt or wanted answers for. Reproaches and disappointment, insults and threats, sorrow and pain. Levi had expressed all of these in front of Eren at least once. And he had never failed to do so with pointed utterances. Eren had got used to it after Levi’s second visit and would withstand the accused betrayal brutally thrown at him.

Today, once Levi had taken position right behind the bars from the other side of the cell, he said nothing at first. Merely glazed Eren with a fixed scowl.

Eren strode to him, adroitly. Levi let him cup his face, let him kiss his lips where fervour wandered from Eren’s lips to Levi’s lungs, becoming his oxygen.

Levi moaned once and initiated the separation of their longing lips. Eren’s eyes laid on Levi’s, blinking slowly.

Levi cracked out with a hoarse voice, “You still didn’t give me a satisfied answer. Why did you do it? Why did you attack Marley and why where you fine with killing so many?”

Eren stroked one of Levi’s cheeks. His words came in a totally unwavered manner. “I had to do it.”

Angry with Eren and his self-righteous justification of his actions, Levi pushed him away, almost disgusted. His feelings rioted like a rampage.

Eren let everything happen. He stood still, waiting. Until…

“Come back here.” Levi said, face scrunched to a symbiosis of regret and chagrin. He had an arm extended to the interior of the cell, it looped inside between the bars.

Eren stepped up to him, taking his hand. Levi bit the inside of his mouth, didn’t care if he drew blood.

“All of this is one big pile of shit. I’m sick of it. Yeah, you hear it, Eren, I’m sick of it.”

Levi pressed Eren’s hand firmly. His head sunken, he thought about what it would be like if everything was the way he wanted it to be. If only, for once, he could live peacefully with Eren.

No problems.

No hatred.

No imminent war that Eren had caused.

Often Levi desired to break Eren free and flee with him. To take Eren with him and live somewhere beyond civilisation.

Sometimes the thought of suppression sounded the best to him.

A life with Eren and Levi only, and where everything that Eren had done was forgotten.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd appreciate some feedback! <3
> 
> my tumblr is [pinkheichou](http://www.pinkheichou.tumblr.com)


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